Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
