obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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