tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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