Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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