You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
try to milk me bitch
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