got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
this just has baby written all over it
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
