Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
