i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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