Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
