i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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