i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
