K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
