My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
