you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
