Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
