now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
