So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
