I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
