i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I love you.
Bad choice
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