Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Randomize
