im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
