Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
