I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
