i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
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why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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