girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
