I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
