Soap is not a condiment
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
