my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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