god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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