i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
