when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
