I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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