Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Semen is not good for contacts.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
