I have demons in me.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
