dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
