I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
