We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
