so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
