Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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