you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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