good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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