Don't make out with my wife yet
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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