Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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