you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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