you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
