your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
