So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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