so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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