I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
