Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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