I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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