My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
