I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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