You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
