apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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