I need to stop coming to work sober
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
