I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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