I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
